Today I had an initial therapy session with a Psychologist and what I uncovered blew my mind a bit. It was an initial get-to-know-you session, so we covered things briefly and the question was asked about why I was coming for the session. I spoke about feeling constantly overwhelmed and experiencing burnout and needing some support for my emotional regulation. I didn’t realise until just that moment how much PDA impacts my day-to-day life, minute-by-minute.
We identified that work can be a huge source of overwhelm and demand, which of course, I was already aware of. But then, she asked “how do you feel when you return home?” It took me a while to ponder the question and my response shocked me “stressed” I said. She asked if it was related to the demands of cooking and cleaning and everything that comes with a household and although, it is in part, most of this is navigated by bulk cooking, sharing the load and having a cleaner. “It’s more than that” I said, “it’s the demand of sharing a space with someone else.” And as I said those words, the realisation dawned on me.
I don’t just experience demand avoidance from daily aspects of living and demands placed on me by others. I experience demands by being around people generally. I return home from a day full of demands at work to the demands of communicating, considering another person and adjusting my mindset to cater for someone else’s needs as well. But, most of all, I experience demands from being perceived by another person. Even in the context of my own home, I have to adapt my behaviours, thought patters and emotional responses to suit another human. When I’m spoken to, there’s a demand to listen and there’s a demand to respond. When I’m looked at, it’s a demand to be seen. When I move around my space, it’s a demand to make room and navigate around another person. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I shared with the Psychologist that I have carefully manufactured my outward appearance to meet others’ expectations. I have constantly assessed my tone, my facial expressions, my body language, my communication to make sure I am being perceived in a specific way. Of course, this doesn’t always fully translate because I can never mask that effectively. I have hardly ever had a meltdown in front of people outside of my relationship or parents. If I’m emotional, I will conceal it like nothing ever happened so no one could possibly guess I am heartbroken or dealing with emotional pain. I’m so unbelievably controlled in the autonomy I need of how others perceive me that this enters my home life. I am only ever fully relaxed when I am by myself, with my dog. Without feeling perceived, my nervous system calms.
Wow.
I’ve got to say, this doesn’t mean I want to be on my own all of the time. That’s really not the case. I couldn’t cope with living alone from both an emotional and practical perspective. I also wouldn’t be able to call anything “home” where my partner isn’t. But, what it has highlighted is just how important alone time is for me and how necessary it is on a regular basis. I always wondered why I had so much joy from silent, solitary weekends away and time by myself up in the mountains. There, I felt I could breathe.
This makes so much sense regarding how much contentment and peace I found during the Covid lockdowns. I often ache to return back to a similar way of living (minus all the horrible circumstances). The quiet on the streets and the sensory overwhelming environments being closed brought me so much relief. The lack of events in the calendar and the ability to work on my own projects in my own time reduced demands. I got up when I wanted to, I went to sleep when I wanted to. There were hardly any people I passed on walks or runs, so there was less of a demand to communicate and be perceived. I had autonomy of my environment and I thrived. I continue to try to implement some of the same things into my life now, but it’s never the same. Once the world opened back up, the demands came flooding back in.
I’m learning so much about what PDA means for me every single day. I’m looking forward to sharing more insights like this as the exploration continues…
